The Struggle is Real...But the Place Is Beautiful

September 16, 2018

The Struggle is Real...But the Place Is Beautiful

When I was studying abroad people would often say the two month mark is when things start getting tough and you're out of the "honeymoon phase". Well, in Ghana that definitely applied to me. By 2 months I was ready to be done, despite seeing beauty in the new place I found myself in. The culture challenged me, I struggled with being a woman and how I was viewed as if I were just an object to be approached, and the heat was unbearable at times. Therefore, when it came to Ireland I always knew it would be different. Heat is most definitely not a problem, the men are shockingly less forward than american men (I haven't been catcalled once, which is a beautiful thing, let me tell you), the culture is hardly different than the one I grew up in (sometimes the excessive level of sarcasm gets past me, but for the most part I chime right in), and the place is just absolutely beautiful. Ideal introvert in nature material.

Old abandoned things....favourite subject

But, I must put in a disclaimer that the next part might sound a bit complainey. I spent years after being diagnosed as a child having friends tell me I was a complainer whenever I would mention I was in pain, and lets be honest...that's just not fair. Regardless, I learned to shut myself up and rarely say anything...but long story short I'm about to talk about it. So turn away now if you don't like honesty. I'll even throw in a picture to give you a moment to think. 😜

So, with my 2 month mark approaching I found it interesting that I a actually am struggling, but not at all in the ways one might think. You see, I thought Ireland would heal me. I viewed it as this magical place that would take away my chronic pain from my Autonomic Nervous System condition called POTS. However, it hasn't. If anything it is worse at the moment. I've had symptom flare ups like no other the past week, ever since I began classes at Trinity. Perhaps it is stress that I'm suppressing, I'm sure that truly is part of it, but in all honesty I think it's mostly the course structure. We have 7 hour days Monday-Thursday and they're killer for anyone who has any sort of chronic pain. Each class is 3 hours long, with a 10-30 minute break depending on the lecturer. I have been in so much pain lately I can hardly focus in class. Sitting still for long periods of time is my biggest trigger. Here I am wanting to do my best and work as hard as I can, but my body is failing me and it's completely frustrating. Sure, I could get up and walk a bit, do what I need to do, but it is so incredibly annoying to have to miss parts of a lecture because my body wont function well. I just want to sit like everyone else and take part in the conversations and be happy and content. To top it off, I became sick just yesterday. So now I have body aches, a headache, and a stuffy nose.

Now that I got that all out, I truly am doing well all considering. I've been fortunate enough to have classmates who seem amazing, are so supportive and share similar ambitions, and I've made some amazing friends in such a short span of time. I'm literally surrounded by beauty wherever I go, and I'm lucky enough to be learning incredible new things daily from this new place I get to call home. Sure, I may have to consider registering with disability (which pisses me off because I hate when I can't just pretend I'm fine and actually have to own up to my pain), but I really am lucky at the end of the day. I could just be sitting in pain back in Chicago not sure what I want to do with my life, but I'm here in Dublin with endless opportunities, getting an education at one of the top 100 schools in the world, and meeting people with incredible minds and hearts. So yes, I am struggling...I'm trying to figure out a lot of things and how to live without being on pain meds all the time, but I still wouldn't change being in this place for the world. And at least I can afford healthcare in this country. 😜😂